daddys_little_cannibal's Xanga

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 00:54:29 GMT

Long time no write. Sorry I've been in hell shoving pineapples up Hitler's butt. I had a rough start. I don't think I will pass my sophomore year. It's not because I'm dumb but because I've had so many absences last semester because of my knee & surgery. I may pass because the courses I'm taking are AP level courses which means if I switch to regulars, it will add ten points to my average. But I don't want to go to regulars, I like honor courses, it's more challenging & the people in there are awesome.

My mom said she will talk to the counselor. I know she won't, LC's screwed me over so many times. I can't help it, I got REALLY sick & I had surgery. I want to find a way to get to my junior year without taking sophomore courses. I may have to go to summer school. There goes my summer. I didn't even do anything wrong!!

Last year I skipped school (a couple of times), experimented with smoking & drugs (hated both), snuck out (didn't get caught), & drank alcohol. I haven't done ANYTHING this year. I stopped that after I got that ticket for skipping school. I experimented with it, I hated it, now it's over. But this year, it just seems like there is this HUGE ass sticker on my face saying "fail me".

My goals are fading away. My freshman year, I wanted to be valedictorian, go to Harvard, study law, & become a lawyer. Now my greatest goal is committing suicide on the Oprah Winfrey Show. My mom & dad seem to hold it against me that "I'm not as smart as I used to be" I hate when they say that. I'm smart, I disicpline myself (for the most part)...but I'm just just screwed. The jocks & cheerleaders get grades for free...I don't because I'm some "creepy goth chick". Screw LC!!

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Sat, 27 Jan 2007 04:21:55 GMT

My sister was talking behind my back again.
I'm dressing "different" for journalism, Mrs. Ashley has me doing something for an article I can't tell you what because it's a secret. But yea my sister is saying shit behind my back going, she looks better like this, she needs to stop wearing black & things like that. And you would think it doesn't bother me, but I love the way I dress, I like my style & if she has a problem with that than she can get over it. She's NOT me & I'm NOT her.

She can't stand my jokes either. My dad told John that he could jump off a water tower for fun, my dad said that he could have a bungie cord, I was like "I hope the bungie cord breaks" we all laughed. John told Christina that and she was like "yea my dad's change a lot since he's been really hanging out with Stephanie.

She makes me sound like a horrible person! I'm not! I found out today why I'm so defensive in this house, it's because they used to beat the crap out of me & make fun of me growing up. I'm really sensitive, I mean like sensitive! I've always been like that & I guess with all the emotional & sometimes physical abuse I've become very defensive in this house. I've always wandered why I'm so anxious around them, why I say the things I say. I VERY few memories growing up. I just remember having my dolls rape eachother & crying a lot.

I know it doesn't give me an excuse but it gives me a reason, which makes me feel a little less psycopahtic. It also explains why I'm so sarcastic, sarcasm is a funny way to say something mean. I think I'm hysterical with my sarcasm though I can't stand when other people use it, some of them are good at it, but others make it sound REALLY mean or REALLY corny. I've managed to learn the true art of sarcasm. :D I'm so proud of myself. :D

But I'm going.
Peace & Out

Friday, January 26, 2007

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 00:20:07 GMT

Rachel's, one of the victims in the movie above, dad came to our school today. At first I didn't really care, because I just knew that she was just a girl that died in a shooting, and I'm just like ok, I've been in a somewhat school shooting before...I go to LC so that's normal, and so I was like OK so whatever.

Rachael I have to say is one of my heroes. She was seventeen when she died & before she did die she told her dad that she WOULD change the lives of many people & she would die young. She knew she was going to die before she even did, and to me she is a hero, she is a wonderful person that everyone should know about. I don't know her personally, I know I don't, but after going through that, I feel like I've known her all her life. She's just seemed like an amazing person.

The thing that scared me the most was that we're a lot alike, she loved everyone before she met them && she gave everyone three chances. I know what I want to do with my life, I'm going to follow in her foot steps that she left behind. I'm going to help everyone I can by spreading SI Awareness. I'm going to do two things, I'm going to write a novel & spread Awareness on SI. I know this is what I have to do...because I don't want people to suffer as much as I have.

I'm starting to tear up again so I'm going. I don't want to remember it anymore.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 23:49:14 GMT

FUNNY THING THAT IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD ABOUT MESSAGE ME ON HERE OR MYSPACE (www.myspace.com). I would post it here but John will read it &&& it would ruin the surprise. :D

THE RULES: Each player of this game starts with the 6 weird things about you. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state the rules clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says you are tagged in their comments and tell them to your blog.

1. I have a <B>LONG</B> butt crack. I honestly do, so if I flash you it's not on purpose!! And my pants do fit it's just my butt crack is abnormally long. I can't wear hip huggers because of it. -tears-

2. I can't watch surgery on TV, but I can sit through a movie where someone has their limbs cut off or sewing their mouth together.

3. I still listen to the Backstreet Boys (AJ is the cute one)

4. I can't sleep if my room is clean, my door is open, or if my sister's satelite is on.

5. I hate walking outside in the dark because I have a fear of being attacked, I can't even walk to the car without screaming at nothing

6. I have a fear of men. I'm scared to be around a bunch of guys or be around one guy. And if a guy yells at me, I brake down.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 00:28:02 GMT

I made a list of ten good things about me in geomentry. I didn't have to take the test because I wasn't here && I didn't want to go to sleep because I was afraid she would get mad at me. So I wrote ten good things about myself to keep my mind from wandering into a dark place &&& make me depress for the rest of the day.

1. I am not ugly; I have an unique fashion sense && style which shows individuality && oragionality.
2. I am smart; I just don't pay attention && need to ask more questions.
3. People like me; so stop acting like they don't.
4. No one is perfect; so stop convincing yourself you need to be
5. You're the one who puts yourself down; not other people; so stop it; you don't even believe half the stuff you tell yourself.
6. It's not sleep during class; that's probably why you're failing. :D
7. Daviss is a lying asshole; so get over him!!!
8. The scars on your body aren't pretty; so stop trying convince yourself that they are.
9. Don't settle for less because it's easy; you're smart (look at #2) && can do a lot more with your life if you stopped sleeping all the time.
10. Life is mostly what you make it (MOSTLY not all the time) so stop pouting && lingering on things that don't really matter; I know you're bored but making yourself depressed doesn't get you anywhere; read a book or sleep...just not during class.

I fell asleep after I wrote this!! :D lol

What really caught me off guard today though was I finally (I know late) realized that a WHOLE bunch of different people actually like me. I know late, but I was talking to just random people today && they seem to like me enough. I'm not normal, I dress weird, I do my hair weird (like today), my make up is weird, and I'm just weird. But people seem to like that about me, like Miranda said, I'm not afraid to be myself && stand up for what I believe.

Mama Butterfly:

I know that you & I have different opionions on homosexuality. But please try not to convince me not to support it. I support love & I'm not going to change that. I don't think it's fair that I should have to look down upon someone because they're a sinner, we're all sinners & it's not fair for me to say that you're worst sinner than I am, because you're gay. It's a choice that they make (or didn't make I don't know, depends on the person you're talking too) and I'm sure they know what's in the bible. I'm not gay but that doesn't mean I still won't support it.

Love & Peace guys

Monday, January 22, 2007

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 03:23:13 GMT

John came over
We went to the mall
I bought a Lacuna Coil T-shirt that was on sale
We went back home
&&&
That's it
I'll see John at school tomorrow
It will be weird
But hopefully I'll get over it.

WE SAW JARED LETO (THE LEAD SINGER OF THIRTY SECONDS TO MARS) AT JACK IN THE BOX!!!!

I swear!! We saw this guy that looked EXACTLY like him but NONE of us wanted to ask him. HE WAS SO CUTE!!!!!!

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 03:44:23 GMT

I saw Pan's Labyrinth today.
It's a foreign film (from Spain). I heard about it off of Youtube, I wanted to see it partially because it got four stars && it was also called "an adult fairy tale". Not adult like porn (there was NO sexual content), but it was defiantly an adult movie. God it was good.

The setting was right after the Civil War in Spain so it was subtitled and from beginning to end it was great. It was creepy, gross, and just very original. It reminded me a lot of the music video the Used made, "All that I've Got" but it was different than that. It was very original and sad. It was a kind of movie that made you not want to get up in the morning. The acting was great & the script was FANTASTIC!! It was defiantly a gothic horror fairytale.

I can't describe the plot it was so great. I mean I can't get over this movie. My dad nearly got us killed twice because he was still thinking about that movie.

Um...that's about it.
No one really goes on xanga anymore even though it's TEN TIMES better than myspace. Come on people! Myspace isn't God so stop acting like it is...

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 01:33:43 GMT

I'm tired.
John is going back to LC, he's in one of my classes...yay...-starts to cry-

Everything I eat I throw up. I know fun. I'm tired, I'm afrraid to eat, but I'm not hungry so that makes it ok. Um...my mom was a very mean to me today. I know don't listen to her, but how can you ignore your own mother. It bothers me how she says "good girl" when I bring the mail to her, but never mentions how good I'm doing with my cutting or anything that means a lot to me.

My dad is ignoring me. He won't talk to me, he won't talk to anyone. And whenever I do say something he just goes "Hmph" so I don't bother anymore.

I'm not doing too good. I don't want to talk about it. I really, honestly, don't want to talk about it. So if you're going to ask about it, I'm going to ignore you and start a new conversation...it's not about my cutting so bother with even asking if it's about that.

I'm going to take another nap

Peace & Out

I hate myspace...because of it NO ONE ever comes onto xanga anymore...

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Thu, 18 Jan 2007 03:59:58 GMT

Today was boring. I didn't really do anything besides sit around and nothing. It must have been a rough day for everyone. I had a really bad day (don't know why) I spent most of it outside (without any shoes on) just sitting and just thinking. I tend to do that when I want to SI.

I don't know what to say, so I'm going.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Wed, 17 Jan 2007 03:20:47 GMT

You know you go to LC when your girls baseball coach got arrested for video taping underage female students wrestling with each other while they're both naked.

Don't you just love my school?! Whenever it shows up on the news you know it's not for something good. lol. I'm sorry when I found out that, I was in shock, but laughing on the inside, because it's ONLY LC, that is just SO freaking screwed up.

SO! For this "special" occasion, I'm posting this up again. Because it's still funny!!!

You know you went to Lakeview if...
1) The assistant principal has hit on you at least once. (he hit on a friend of mine, in the hallway! He said "you have a nice butt and she turns around "I'm a student!!!")
2) You have been asked, "Why is Lakeview called Suicide High?"
3) You've been in a real lock down.....three years in a row. (yup!!!)
4) Someone says Mr. Bailey and you say "F@$.. that!"
5) Your band was awesome and wore Star Trek uniforms.
6) You have ever left school early by sneaking through C Hall. (NO! Of course not...I would never do that...)
7) You bought an elevator pass (or was asked to buy one) from a Senior your Freshman year. (I asked a freshman this year. It was fun! But he didn't believe me. DAMN!)
8) Your cheerleaders didn't show up to half the games because they were suspended. (lol! It's funny)
9) You've said "get it crunk"...
10) You've laughed at the Sweethearts preforming at the Pep Rally's. (I started to but than I realized that I knew most of them and they would hit me...so I laughed even harder.)
11) You've been beat in softball by at least 20 runs.
12) Your softball coach got West Nile. hahahahaha
(HAHAHAHAH Swear I love this part^^)
13)You've ever paid off Smokey w/ cigarettes so he'd conviently not see you drive off for lunch everday (Don't you just love Smokey?)
14)You know what the letters IWA stand for...and you freaking hated every thing about it (It made me fail last semester)
15) Your soccer team didn't know what it was to win a game all four years you were there. Nor did it know the 4 years b4 you. (lol it's true)
16) It took 9 years to actually win one and people still make fun of you.
17) You failed Chemistry because Mr. Bailey has his head up his a$$. (YEAH!! And I don't even have Mr. Bailey)
18) Some idiot shot himself when he pulled up his pants. (LOL!! It's TRUE!!! We were in first period lock down FOREVER!!)
19) you have to walk through the "black sea" to get to class. (Sometimes I wish I was Moses...so I can part the black sea)
20) When your sweethearts are cows, big cows, with moldy legs that look like cottage cheese.
21) When you've been threatened to "have sumun's brudda on yo a$$ nigga!" (...yes...)
22) When someone steals your band trailer to go steal motorcycles and then leave it at the impound. (I still can't believe they did that)
23)when you walk through B hall and the mexican people try to holla at you. (I would holla back but I don't know what that means...)
24) when your standing in the lunch line FOREVER and your finally almost there and this group of people just cut the guy/girl infront of you and you have to wait another 10 mins!!! (I'm usually in the group that cuts)
25) When the black teachers watch and applause when a fight breaks out. (They're NOT even kidding about this one)
26)when in the morning there's more people leaving to skip school than go to it. (Yup!)
27) When there's a fight atleast once a week. (Two now)
28) When you've had Mr. Reudiger and know what the letters TWEDYADWTS stand for. (I love Reudiger he exempt me from his exam because I had surgery!! He's SO nice! When he's not mean)
29) Your school is on the news and it's not for anything good! (It's because there's nothing any good to tell them about)
30)You've heard all the ghost stories by the end of the first semester of your freshman year. (People died in our school...mostly by suicide)
31)The S.W.A.T. team's been there and done that. (YUP! One of them pointed a gun at me. I was scared)
32)You know you're at lakeview when its suddenly cool to talk about whos done the most drugs at lunch (and during class!!)
33)when people know you as "that one person with the tattoos" (I love those tattoos of mine.
34)when you become a hoe after going to a party full of gay people and your straight (lol Kali)
35)when someone says they have autobody you know they mean either "meet me at jack in the box" or "I'm about to smoke another bowl" (Yea I actually knew that one)
36)when half of the freshmen are pregnant and the other half are too busy giving blow jobs. (Than there's me...)
37)when you hear "Hey, LIL WEINIE" in your history class (lol It's funny because it's true)
38)when someone says "christian" you run for cover because you think they mean officer christian (I've seen it before)
39)when about 80% of the seniors aren't graduating because they didn't pass TAK (I'm screwed)

P.S.

Ok so last night, I go "God if you love me there will be no school." I was half serious & half joking, and for some reason I kept on praying there would be no school, and I had my hopes set for failure, though something kept on telling me that it would be answer, of course I ignored it because it sounded like the same voice that told me that everytime I didn't repost a chainletter susan what's her face is going to rape my dog or something... I wake up to the phone ringing at 6:45 (I slept through my alarm clock again), it's my next door neighbor saying we had an ice storm last night. My mouth dropped & I was screaming at the top of my lungs "OMGod! My prayer came true!" It was awsome. I was going around screaming, I went outside. It was so awsome. School is cancelled and I'm stuck at the house to sleep some more. God is great!!

Also I did pray, like an actual pray last night, not just "god if you love me there will be no school tomorrow" that was just my intro. :)