Long time no write. Sorry I've been in hell shoving pineapples up Hitler's butt. I had a rough start. I don't think I will pass my sophomore year. It's not because I'm dumb but because I've had so many absences last semester because of my knee & surgery. I may pass because the courses I'm taking are AP level courses which means if I switch to regulars, it will add ten points to my average. But I don't want to go to regulars, I like honor courses, it's more challenging & the people in there are awesome.
My mom said she will talk to the counselor. I know she won't, LC's screwed me over so many times. I can't help it, I got REALLY sick & I had surgery. I want to find a way to get to my junior year without taking sophomore courses. I may have to go to summer school. There goes my summer. I didn't even do anything wrong!!
Last year I skipped school (a couple of times), experimented with smoking & drugs (hated both), snuck out (didn't get caught), & drank alcohol. I haven't done ANYTHING this year. I stopped that after I got that ticket for skipping school. I experimented with it, I hated it, now it's over. But this year, it just seems like there is this HUGE ass sticker on my face saying "fail me".
My goals are fading away. My freshman year, I wanted to be valedictorian, go to Harvard, study law, & become a lawyer. Now my greatest goal is committing suicide on the Oprah Winfrey Show. My mom & dad seem to hold it against me that "I'm not as smart as I used to be" I hate when they say that. I'm smart, I disicpline myself (for the most part)...but I'm just just screwed. The jocks & cheerleaders get grades for free...I don't because I'm some "creepy goth chick". Screw LC!!
My sister was talking behind my back again. I'm dressing "different" for journalism, Mrs. Ashley has me doing something for an article I can't tell you what because it's a secret. But yea my sister is saying shit behind my back going, she looks better like this, she needs to stop wearing black & things like that. And you would think it doesn't bother me, but I love the way I dress, I like my style & if she has a problem with that than she can get over it. She's NOT me & I'm NOT her.
She can't stand my jokes either. My dad told John that he could jump off a water tower for fun, my dad said that he could have a bungie cord, I was like "I hope the bungie cord breaks" we all laughed. John told Christina that and she was like "yea my dad's change a lot since he's been really hanging out with Stephanie.
She makes me sound like a horrible person! I'm not! I found out today why I'm so defensive in this house, it's because they used to beat the crap out of me & make fun of me growing up. I'm really sensitive, I mean like sensitive! I've always been like that & I guess with all the emotional & sometimes physical abuse I've become very defensive in this house. I've always wandered why I'm so anxious around them, why I say the things I say. I VERY few memories growing up. I just remember having my dolls rape eachother & crying a lot.
I know it doesn't give me an excuse but it gives me a reason, which makes me feel a little less psycopahtic. It also explains why I'm so sarcastic, sarcasm is a funny way to say something mean. I think I'm hysterical with my sarcasm though I can't stand when other people use it, some of them are good at it, but others make it sound REALLY mean or REALLY corny. I've managed to learn the true art of sarcasm. :D I'm so proud of myself. :D
Rachel's, one of the victims in the movie above, dad came to our school today. At first I didn't really care, because I just knew that she was just a girl that died in a shooting, and I'm just like ok, I've been in a somewhat school shooting before...I go to LC so that's normal, and so I was like OK so whatever.
Rachael I have to say is one of my heroes. She was seventeen when she died & before she did die she told her dad that she WOULD change the lives of many people & she would die young. She knew she was going to die before she even did, and to me she is a hero, she is a wonderful person that everyone should know about. I don't know her personally, I know I don't, but after going through that, I feel like I've known her all her life. She's just seemed like an amazing person.
The thing that scared me the most was that we're a lot alike, she loved everyone before she met them && she gave everyone three chances. I know what I want to do with my life, I'm going to follow in her foot steps that she left behind. I'm going to help everyone I can by spreading SI Awareness. I'm going to do two things, I'm going to write a novel & spread Awareness on SI. I know this is what I have to do...because I don't want people to suffer as much as I have.
I'm starting to tear up again so I'm going. I don't want to remember it anymore.
FUNNY THING THAT IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD ABOUT MESSAGE ME ON HERE OR MYSPACE (www.myspace.com). I would post it here but John will read it &&& it would ruin the surprise. :D
THE RULES: Each player of this game starts with the 6 weird things
about you. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6
weird things as well as state the rules clearly. In the end, you need
to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to
leave a comment that says you are tagged in their comments and tell them to your blog.
1. I have a <B>LONG</B> butt crack. I honestly do, so if I flash you it's not on purpose!! And my pants do fit it's just my butt crack is abnormally long. I can't wear hip huggers because of it. -tears-
2. I can't watch surgery on TV, but I can sit through a movie where someone has their limbs cut off or sewing their mouth together.
3. I still listen to the Backstreet Boys (AJ is the cute one)
4. I can't sleep if my room is clean, my door is open, or if my sister's satelite is on.
5. I hate walking outside in the dark because I have a fear of being attacked, I can't even walk to the car without screaming at nothing
6. I have a fear of men. I'm scared to be around a bunch of guys or be around one guy. And if a guy yells at me, I brake down.
I made a list of ten good things about me in geomentry. I didn't have to take the test because I wasn't here && I didn't want to go to sleep because I was afraid she would get mad at me. So I wrote ten good things about myself to keep my mind from wandering into a dark place &&& make me depress for the rest of the day.
1. I am not ugly; I have an unique fashion sense && style which shows individuality && oragionality. 2. I am smart; I just don't pay attention && need to ask more questions. 3. People like me; so stop acting like they don't. 4. No one is perfect; so stop convincing yourself you need to be 5. You're the one who puts yourself down; not other people; so stop it; you don't even believe half the stuff you tell yourself. 6. It's not sleep during class; that's probably why you're failing. :D 7. Daviss is a lying asshole; so get over him!!! 8. The scars on your body aren't pretty; so stop trying convince yourself that they are. 9. Don't settle for less because it's easy; you're smart (look at #2) && can do a lot more with your life if you stopped sleeping all the time. 10. Life is mostly what you make it (MOSTLY not all the time) so stop pouting && lingering on things that don't really matter; I know you're bored but making yourself depressed doesn't get you anywhere; read a book or sleep...just not during class.
I fell asleep after I wrote this!! :D lol
What really caught me off guard today though was I finally (I know late) realized that a WHOLE bunch of different people actually like me. I know late, but I was talking to just random people today && they seem to like me enough. I'm not normal, I dress weird, I do my hair weird (like today), my make up is weird, and I'm just weird. But people seem to like that about me, like Miranda said, I'm not afraid to be myself && stand up for what I believe.
Mama Butterfly:
I know that you & I have different opionions on homosexuality. But please try not to convince me not to support it. I support love & I'm not going to change that. I don't think it's fair that I should have to look down upon someone because they're a sinner, we're all sinners & it's not fair for me to say that you're worst sinner than I am, because you're gay. It's a choice that they make (or didn't make I don't know, depends on the person you're talking too) and I'm sure they know what's in the bible. I'm not gay but that doesn't mean I still won't support it.
